LAND OF HOPE AND GLORY (17 Januari 2017)

Med tanke på det omilda öde (twitterstorm, DN-kritik, trubbel med förläggare, någon slags bannbulla från statsministern etc) som drabbat Katerina Janouch efter hennes framträdande i tjeckisk TV kunde det kanske vara på sin plats med en liten lathund/handledning för svenska medborgare om hur man bör uppträda om man skulle råka bli intervjuad av utländsk media för att inte bli brännmärkt som en högerextrem och illojal svartmålare av Sverige. Here we go….

FOREIGN INTERVIEWER: Welcome to tonight’s edition of ”MEET EUROPE”. Tonight we focus on Sweden and we have invited a swedish guest to tell us about the situation in the land of ABBA, Volvo and Zlatan. Please welcome Mr Svenne Banan!

(Applause from the studio audience)

FI: Very warm welcome, Mr Banan. There have been some worrying reports recently in papers like Daily Telegraph and Die Welt about trouble in the swedish paradise. Any truth in those reports?

SVENNE BANAN: Absolutely not! Sweden has never been safer. Those are the exact words of one of our leading experts on criminology, the famous comedian Mr Betnér.

FI: The comedian?

SB: Yes, he is a real and genuine multi-talent who is also considered to be an expert on crime and the only people questioning him in Sweden are right-wing extremists, nazi-skinheads and poorly educated peasants.

FI: I see…but we have heard stories about no-go zones in swedish cities?

SB: Nonsense! I would like to invite everyone to go to Sweden and visit an alleged no-go-zone like Rosengård in Malmö and see for themselves. Take a stroll through this idyllic part of Malmö in the wee wee hours and enjoy the friendly atmosphere and the amazing spontaneous fireworks arranged almost every night.

FI: Hmm…so no problems with rape, murder and other severe crimes then?

SB: No no. This is a brainchild of the Putin/Trump-propaganda machinery! We have a head of the police force in Sweden, Mr Eliasson, who has become a kind of a national hero thanks to his ruthless efficiency, personal charisma and astonishing track record of fighting crime. The only significant problems Malmö have are related to it’s unfortunate nearness to the european continent and less succesful countries like Denmark and Germany. This was stated by the swedish Home Minister himself the other week. And of course there are some problems related to right-wing extremists, nazi-skinheads and poorly educated peasants.

FI: But according to a recent survey, 31% of swedish women do not feel safe anymore in Sweden That comes across as a rather high figure…..

SB: Let me tell you about those people who have nothing better to do than complain and stir up trouble. One of our top minds who is also a star columnist for Swedens biggest newspaper, the former pop journalist Mr Virtanen, called them ”sillmjölkar” recently. Another of our intellectual giants, the stand-up comedian Mr Nujen, called them ”gnällspikar” in another major newspaper. Whiners and Wimps. That really says it all, doesn’t it? Why should any attention be paid to those? Another former pop journalist, Mr Lindström, wrote……

FI: If I may interrupt….you seem to have very much confidence in former pop journalists and comedians regarding political issues. How come?

SB: Well those people live in the fancy and posh parts of Stockholm and write for our biggest newspapers with big photo-by-lines. They must know the truth since they obviously are the elite. This ought to be self-evident to everyone except right-wing extremists, nazi-skinheads and poorly educated peasants.

FI: Well, all right….

SB: And some of our most influential political columnists are neither pop journalists nor comedians….one of them used to be on the payroll of the KGB for instance…

FI: Let’s move on…..Sweden has for many years been welcoming more refugees per capita than all other european countries. No problems or tensions in the swedish society as a consequence of that?

SB: None whatsoever! There is a widespread opinion in Sweden that this has only made Sweden much more exciting, to use the words of our former prime minister, the legendary Mr. Reinfeldt. After all, there is so much free space and room for everyone in Sweden. In the woods, on the moors and in the mountain world of North Sweden.

FI: Aha….one would have thought that there could be some tension in a feminist country, even labelling their foreign policy as feminist, when you have such a big influx of mainly men from more patriarchal cultures?

SB: No. It’s all peace, love and understanding, man! Feminism and ortodox muslims – that’s in fact a marriage made in heaven! The only people suggesting otherwise are right-wing extremists, nazi-skinheads and poorly educated peasants.

FI: I see. And how has the swedish welfare coped with such a big influx of refugees? The schools, the healthcare, the eldercare, the pension benefits etc…

SB: No problems. Everything is hunky dory! The swedish taxpayer gets world-class value for his money!

FI: Really?

SB: Oh yes. Last year the swedish newspaper Dagens Nyheter published a report that proved that the more refugees that come to a town the better the finances of that town will be. Instantly. And the beauty of it is that this is true irrespective of whether the refugees work or not! It was called the Sandviken report.

FI: Amazing! How is this possible.

SB: Well, the town will get compensation from the government. 

FI: But how can this possibly be profitable for Sweden in a wider context and for the country as a whole?

SB: Well, I would suggest that you do an interview with Dagens Nyheters editor-in-chief, Mr Wolodarski. I am sure he will be delighted to explain all the details of the Sandviken report in-depth to you.

FI: Thanks for the suggestion. Another thing that strikes me as somewhat unique is that you have a government representing only 38% of the swedish popular vote. How is that possible?

SB: Thanks to something we call the December Agreement 2.0.

FI: We’re running short of time but can you give a short explanation of the content of this agreement?

SB: Well, basically it means that no matter how the swedish people vote – we will always have a good government, almost certain to include the green party. The right-wing extremists, nazi-skinheads and poorly educated peasants sometimes do not know their own good and vote in a way that could damage the country.

FI: But is it really democratic? And what will happen if 51% votes in a bad way?

SB: I am sure we will think of something even if 51% should vote in a bad way. To us democracy is the most important thing of all. It is so important that it needs to be safeguarded even by slightly undemocratic measures against right-wing extremists, nazi-skinheads and poorly educated peasants. 

FI: I am not quite sure that I follow…..

SB: I would suggest that you do an interview with Mr Arnstad. A rational man, a great thinker and often referred to by our prime minister and great leader, Mr Löfven.

FI: Another pop journalist or comedian?

SB: No, he is a historian….well almost….he didn’t really quite finish his exam….but…..

FI: I’m sorry but the time is up. It was thrilling to hear about what seems to be a true swedish success story and fairytale. Thank you for appearing on our show, Mr Banan. And to all our viewers…..Thank you for watching ”MEET EUROPE”. See you again next week!

THE END😄

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